An open letter to the dog across the laneway behind my house as inspired by the genius of McSweeney's

Dear Dog,

In recent times it appears you have taken it upon yourself to be guardian of all things in your general vicinity at all hours of the day and night, myself clearly included. For that service I would like to thank you but also raise the possibility that you are, in fact, a demented hound of Hades torn loose from your ties and forced through the earth's crust to find yourself cruelly imprisoned in our neighbours' yard. I mention this purely for the fact that were these neighbours still alive, I'm sure they would have taken steps to silence your astonishingly loud and inappropriately timed yapping.

For many months I have battled a war of wills with your smaller, hoarser cousin across the laneway, the indefatigable bark of which has driven me as near distraction as I should ever like to get. Night after night for hours and hours without cease we have mentally and verbally jousted, with peace only achieved after a lengthy period of tooth gnashing and the inevitable note in the letterbox. That I should once again be thrust into the fray with a four-legged adversary such as yourself only serves to compound the grievous harm to which one of us I fear must inevitably come.

Let me assure you that I am aware that your lodgings may be unacceptable to you, that you crave the warmth, love, attention and exercise you deserve. I accept that you may feel disgruntled with your lot, that your humans may not feed you, that the possums tease you without mercy. Some of my best friends are dogs. But let us for a moment take pause to consider the format of your chosen protest and perhaps suggest a more constructive approach to resolving the issues that clearly stand in the way of your cooperation in seeing me receive a good night's sleep.

There is a school of thought, widely adopted by protest movements around the world that peaceful protest is a most efficient method of proving ones point. An extension of this most civilised of techniques is that of 'Standing for Peace', adopted by Quakers through which the message is delivered by silent vigil. It seems self-evident that your current reign of terror in the wee hours is having little if any effect on your cause so I propose, in the interests of all those involved that you adopt the Quaker technique and boldly stand a silent sentinel, sending a powerful message to those under whose care you fall and providing the neighbourhood a service for which we will be eternally grateful.

I trust you will take these suggestions on board in the very best of faith.

Sincerely,

Tom Item